Always Sunny

The sun does not always shine in paradise.
If the sun were always shining, we would be blinded by its light, and blinded to the smaller, beautiful things in life.

I went to A&M looking for my next chapter. I was filled with hope for a future up until my first night in College Station. The sun I was chasing was suddenly covered with dark clouds. My roommate situation was far from ideal. Their recreational hobbies were not easy to ignore, and I found myself grocery shopping in the middle of the night just to be away from them.
My advisors were not the most sympathetic, laughing when I was struggling to open hours in my schedule for a job, “just have your parents pay for your classes”… right. My classes were far from any of my interests, and full of mundane busy work I could not bring myself to do. I was trapped in a seemingly never ending nightmare. Each day grew darker. I only woke up to go to my classes, and even that in itself was a struggle. Sleep was my only repreive. In the evenings I did what I could to remain cheerful. I took pride in meal prepping. I only ate in the evenings because I lacked the energy to fix food in the day time. I began obsessing over the small details I could control, such as hanging lights in the backyard or rearranging the main living space every few days. It was very obvious my depression had hit in full force, and there was not much to snap me out of it. My antidepressants were doubled, but I can’t tell you if it helped at all. People ask me how A&M was, and honestly I hate answering. I feel like I failed. Everyone is supposed to love A&M and I will be happy if I never have to hear of it again.
The nightmare lasted all of two months. That alone makes me laugh. No way it was only two months.

March gave me a whirlwind of troubles, but April gave me rest. Here I am at the beginning of July, I have learned to appreciate so much of what I have been given, and I cannot wait to share these with you. This is a lesson I was not expecting to learn this year, and it focuses on friendships, gratitude, and love.

I moved away searching for new beginnings, I felt as if my life at home had grown stagnant. I outgrew the job I had and there was no more work to be done by me. Contact with my friends was purely virtual, and that caused me to place an even greater distance than what was necessary.

One of the first things revealed to me was just how many people had missed me. I was welcomed by so many people I thought I had pushed away, and new friendships began blossoming around me. Not only that, but I had the sense of new growth in current friendships. I’ve been keeping contact with more people than I had previously. It is a wonderful thing to have a friend.

I was quickly welcomed back to Home Depot. Here I was appreciated for my talents, and I was given a direction for each day. I have been given a chance to serve those around me. It is wonderful being able to work WITH people and problem solve. My customer service smile has quickly come back and I am enjoying every minute of it. I can talk for hours nosntop of every detail of my job, every conversation I have with customers, and the jokes I share with my coworkers. I am beyond grateful for the atmosphere I have been welcomed in to.

I have been trying to focus more on the small details of life, rather than demand to see the big picture. This also means I have come to appreciate the seemingly small tendencies of various people and different ways of showing love.

A humorous one in my mind happened at a friends’ house while I was sat on their couch. One friend came in, pat my head, and walked on. Not even ten minutes later, another friend came in. This one ruffled my hair a tiny bit and walked on. Often times I treat them like my siblings with big sister teasing, and those inconspicuous pats were simply one sibling passing affection on to another. I can’t help but smile at their way of saying “I love you”.

Another favorite is when a coworker surprises me with a sonic drink, or I them. It’s the small act of “I thought of you” that is truly incredible to me. The selfless giving of a gift simply because you knew it would make the other person happy.

4th of July came and went already, and there I was blessed to be “Dar Dar”, where one of the girls I babysit came and sat with me to watch the fireworks. It was a wonderful show, full of “did you see that one? Wow!”

These are the first things that pop to mind. I am content, even happy, resting here, and for once I am not badgering God with my questions of where I am meant to be next. I’ve prayed for a direction and have been led back home. I’ve prayed for a plan and instead I have been given peace and contentment. I still look towards the future and keep an eye open for opportunities, but I am not aching to move on.
This year started out rough and dark, but because of the rain I have been able to enjoy the sunshine.

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