Decent

Recently I have been dealt a lot of hurt.

Or well, I have allowed myself to be hurt.

Transitioning into adulthood is hard no matter what. With me not really being involved in my ‘high school’ group and not being quite college age with my ‘college’ group, I often end up left out of both. Surely not on purpose, but it begins to drag me down as I open up social media or hear about how each friend group went and hung out without me.

Now I get it, I work 7-5 throughout the week, and use most of my evenings catching up on homework. Surely I must be too busy to hang out!
Let me preface this by saying this is not a call out post, nor am I trying to put blame onto anyone.
I have allowed myself to be hurt because there are some people I have not heard from. But that’s okay, people grow apart.

It’s as if I am a stranger. I would like to think it is all in my head, but I know things are changing.

I am on a different path than my peers; but that’s okay!

Throughout this transition period, I have been blessed with unexpected friendships.
If you’re one of these people that has taken a different path than me, you know what?

I forgive you.

Yes, you. Every person I have taken offense with. I get frustrated, I get worn out. I am holding a grudge with people they know nothing about.
It seems to be worse when it’s all in your head.

I forgive you.

You do not need me to forgive you for these things you do not know about. It was never my intent to hold these against you anyways.
I need to forgive you so that I can love you freely as the precious person God made you. I am forgiving you the same way Christ forgave me.

Furthermore,
I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I took an offense against you in the first place.
I’m sorry I misinterpreted what you said or didn’t say, and created your image in my mind to be a rude one. I’m sorry I judged so quickly.
I am sorry I held expectations over you that you were not obligated to meet. I need to apologize to you for looking at you with my own eyes.

The Bible has a lot to do with forgiveness- so you think it would be so easy to follow. Yet I am human, and I must apologize for my mistakes.

I began writing this in March amidst some social gatherings that left me feeling as though I were without a single friend in the world. I felt so small and lost. Since then I have had similar situations, and more people come in and out of my life. I am incredibly insecure in my friendships with people, and let me be honest- I do struggle with minor abandonment issues.

I have been allowing my happiness to be dependent on those around me.

But if I look past my selfishness where everything is about me, I can see some greater things at work. Not only are these people here to help me in life, but I am meant to do the same. It is far too easy to ask, “how can I benefit from this?” Always taking and never giving. I know, a lot of this seems to be very obvious and easy to avoid, but it happens too easily.

With each person that comes in my life, I am given an incredible opportunity to be a light to them. How often do we acknowledge this in our everyday lives? How often do we go out of our way to give to and serve others? I’ll admit, I almost never think about it. Of course I hold doors open for people, I say thank you, and I tip a minimum of 20%. I would think I am a decent human being. What verse does it say that God called us to be decent human beings?

When I first began typing this several months ago, I had just finished crying, took a deep breath, and allowed myself to let go of the things that I had been holding on to. I allowed myself to not have an opinion on everything or everyone.

People change, so who am I to hold them accountable to an older version of themselves?

The same way I must ask you to not hold me accountable to who I was yesterday. Every day I am learning and growing, just as you are. But wouldn’t it be so much easier if we could learn to forgive just as much as God forgives us?

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11